dancing with the enemy.

like living through a cold and starless night.

2011-03-18T12:23:00.002+02:00

Who the fuck even reads this anymore?
I haven't even written anything for like 16 months.

so I got a new laptop. yaaaay.
built in webcam. three cheers for Skype and Dailybooth.
stalk me?
www.dailybooth.com/abbysalbino

Who would win in a fight: pirates or ninjas?

2010-06-28T07:12:00.001+03:00

Ninjas!

I dare you to ask the nosiest thing you can think of.

How many countries have you traveled to?

2010-06-14T04:31:00.001+03:00

Eight, unless Japan doesn't count because I didn't get to leave the airport.

oh, girl...

NY resolutions, love triangle, and a poem

2009-12-26T14:00:00.007+02:00

2010 resolutions:

-pass Algebra 2
-finish my novel
-stay with Thomas
-stage manage a show
-reach 45k songs
-make Madrigals
-get license
-lose 10 lbs before summer
-see WATIC at Warped Tour

Note: not cheesy crap. Stuff I actually want to do. Stuff that, gosh darn it, I WILL do.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So Thomas and I are taking a break. I told him that I don't think we should be together anymore, and he asked why. I tried to explain: he's never romantic anymore, and things feel dead. And his refusal to hold hands with me in public or acknowledge my existence on Myspace because he's so caught up in what other people think is killing my self-esteem. But I can't seem to get through to him, and he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. So he suggested we take a break for a week or so to see if I'm "happier this way" (as in single). I wanted to scream at him, "YOU'RE MISSING THE POINT! I LOVE YOU AND I WANT TO BE WITH YOU! BUT YOU NEED TO MAKE SOME SLIGHT CHANGES IN HOW YOU TREAT ME. IS THAT SO HARD?" I love him and I don't want to lose him, but he's so thickheaded sometimes!
I'm pretty much at a loss for what to do. I've done so much for him- emotionally, financially, everything- so why can't he do something for me for a change?

Also floating in and out of my thoughts (and Facebook) is Ali (pronounced ah-LEE), the Iraqi guy I had a (brief) fling with during the summer in Oman. He's without a doubt the most intelligent guy I've ever met, and is also extremely handsome and sweet. Our fling was laced with deep discussions about philosophy, media, religion, and politics. As we fell for each other we learned from each other. But I basically dumped him when I met Thomas, with no warning. I knew that if I didn't do it then it would happen anyway, since we're not likely to see each other again (unless I go back to Oman next summer and he's still there), but I was blinded by my infatuation with Thomas. I left behind a boy with intelligence like nothing I've ever encountered and a heart he'd opened up to me.
I know that I was stupid, and I can't help but wonder now how different things would be if Ali was still my number one. He'd cherish me and write long e-mails about what he's doing and how much he misses me, and we'd learn from each other like we did for that week or so.
I love Thomas. But how can I help imagining what could have been?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

'eyes'

they
speak
worlds of words
without language
without hindrance.
honesty
is defined.
can an eye
tell
lies?
that's
why I see
in yours
dark
and
evil
are not the same.
your soul
knows no boundaries
that
your mind
can possibly
see.
it's blind.
unlike your
eyes.

junior year.

2009-12-15T23:04:00.006+02:00

currently writing from the school computer lab. supposed to be working on a psychology project about internet addiction, but I'm done with my bit and Chantal (my partner) is still working on her bit, so I can't type it up yet. I came across a blog on here (the Neurocritic), who had a post about the myth that internet addiction shrinks one's brain. so it reminded me I haven't been on here since last summer. so why not?

so I'm a junior. seventeen, as of about two weeks ago. I have an amazing boyfriend named Thomas, who I've been with for 5 1/2 months and love to death (and drives me crazy). my dad has a new girlfriend, Meschelle, who's Filipino just like Ethel. she's sweet and an amazing cook. this past summer I went to visit him (he lives in Oman now), stopping for two days in Thailand on the way there. (that was AMAZING- see Anywhere Say Anywhere in the next couple weeks for stuff on that.) I have all A's in my classes (English, Photography, Psychology, AP Chemistry, Choir, and US History) except one. (guess which?) I'm currently addicted to The Big Bang Theory (best show EVER). I'm also working on the novel I started last summer, Cassey.

only have a few more minutes, so I'll update later.

Later!

Making a real difference has never been this easy, ever.

2008-07-31T20:49:00.005+03:00

Anyone who's been around Myspace or Facebook for awhile has probably seen all sorts of apps and other things come and go through them. A lot of them are just dime-a-dozen things that everyone forgets about a week after they add them. Well, one that's actually doing good and getting people involved has come along, and it's called SocialVibe. Basically, all you have to do is join, choose a cause (I chose peace & human rights, but there are others), choose a sponsor (mine are Power Bar and Adobe), and you can start earning points just like that. You can earn points by doing things like uploading a photo, adding a social network, or inviting friends. The more points you earn, the more money is donated towards the cause you chose. It really is that easy. So go ahead. Click the pink 'join now' tab and start earning money for the cause of your choice. You signing up earns me 100 points, which will mean more money towards the cause of peace and human rights. Then you can do the same as I'm doing and add the SocialVibe app to your blog, Myspace, Facebook, or other social networking site and start earning points yourself for your cause. DO IT! =]

If SocialVibe doesn't suit your fancy and you want an easy, totally free way to make a difference, check out www.freerice.com (you can click the title of this post to go there). It gives you a word and four answer choices, and if you correctly choose which is the definition for the word, Freerice donates 20 grains of rice to the United Nations World Food Program. If you get it incorrect, it tells you what the correct meaning is, and you go to the next word. Vocabulary outside of school might not sound so fun, but it actually does help increase your vocabulary, so it does you good, AND it's helping to feed hungry people around the world. So what are you waiting for?

isn't it wonderful?

2008-07-15T10:06:00.003+03:00

When you care so much about a person that wanting to do things to make them happy, whether they be big or little things, is second nature to you. their happiness comes before yours, always. you'd do anything to take their pain and sadness away, even if it meant you had to bear it. you want to be with them all the time. They're a part of you. they're the only person you can be totally yourself around. You support them in everything they do, and you know they do the same for you.
(I think it's called true love.)

Qatar.

2008-07-08T16:47:00.003+03:00

Those of you that actually read this, my apologies for not posting in 9 days. The internet in our building went out (again). We're moving into a new flat when we get back from Egypt (thank God).
so I'm in Qatar right now, which is a half hour or so flight away from Bahrain. My dad had to come here for work, so his company is basically paying for everything. Including for us to stay at the Doha Ritz-Carlton. let me tell you something, loves. 5-star hotels are called that for a reason. they are niiiiiiiice. And it's not just the hotel itself, either. The location (at least, here) is like...incredibly picturesque. The view from my balcony is of the marina, and it's incredible. Pictures coming later. If I ever get around to taking them.
I'm being lazy right now, and I'm famished, so I'll finish this later.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
UPDATE 7.12.08: Anything else specifically discussing places I travel (Qatar included) will now be included in Anywhere, Say Anywhere, which is my new travel blog. You can link to it through my profile or by going to http://travelsoftherainbow.blogspot.com
Thanks. =]

Bahrain, summer reading, and new celly

2008-06-30T12:40:00.006+03:00

Bahrain is pretty much the same as last summer. It seems, though, that there are a few more westerners here than before. Can't decide quite how I feel about that.
I might start walking around outside, like to Al Jazira. James used to walk to the navy base and stuff when he was here. It's kinda dangerous (seeing as Bahrain has the highest pedestrian death rate in the middle east) but hey, Al Jazira's only like 3 blocks away. I'll survive.
When I get some new batteries for my camera (hopefully today) I'll put in some photos I've taken. We're also going to the mall today (not sure which one; probably either the Bahrain Mall or the Seef Mall). I'm on a mission to find an awesome fedora. Will and I are starting a revolution. We're takin' CHS fashion by storm in 08-09. booyah.

As for that lovely summer reading list for sophomore honors English, I'm making pretty decent progress. I read Pride and Prejudice twice before summer even started. I might re-read it. I love that book to death. It's beautifully written and extremely witty. As for Great Expectations, I started it on the plane between Washington D.C. and London, and I've read nine out of fifty-nine chapters so far. It's pretty decent, and I'm liking Dickens' writing style. It's pretty concise, and not extremely difficult to comprehend. The storyline is a bit slow, but interesting enough. Last (and least) is Wuthering Heights. Schaller read me a summary of it a few weeks ago, before I started reading it, and lordy, did it sound confusing. I also read a few good things about it, so I tried to keep an open mind as I started it. I really did. But I swear, that book was sent from Hell itself to torture poor high school students. I've only read two chapters (out of thirty-four) and already, in my opinion, it's terrible, and far too confusing. It's slightly ironic that I understand Pride and Prejudice perfectly, but not Wuthering Heights, since the former was published in 1813 and the latter in 1847. You'd think that the one published more recently would be easier to understand, but I guess not. What I also find ironic is that in a letter Charlotte Brontë (the older sister of Emily Brontë, author of Wuthering Heights) wrote in 1848, she called Pride and Prejudice "an accurate daguerreotyped portrait of a commonplace face; a carefully fenced, highly cultivated garden, with neat borders and delicate flowers; but no glance of a bright vivid physiognomy, no open country, no fresh air, no blue hill, no bonny beck." Well, whose novel is more widely read today, Miss Brontë? The one you're criticizing, or the one your sister wrote? Thank you.

Eh, enough of my rants. for those of you who don't know, I got a really awesome new cell phone last week. It's a Samsung slider phone, and a nice bright cherry pink. lovely, eh? Hahaha. I'm liking it so far. The features are pretty similar to my last phone, except unlike that one, it's unlocked. Yessss. Here's a picture of it:

Well, off to get ready for mallcrawling. yay!

save the internet.

2008-06-25T21:40:00.014+03:00

okay. when you use the internet, you want to be able to go to the sites you want, right? so read on.

the story:
right now, you connect to the internet through pipes owned by telephone and cable companies. they aren't allowed to discriminate what goes through those pipes. everything is equal. this is called Net Neutrality.
well some large companies (such as Comcast, AT&T, and Verizon) want to be internet gatekeepers, that way they can choose what sites load slowly or quickly, and what sites don't appear at all. basically, they want to get rid of Net Neutrality. they want to discriminate in favor of themselves, and whoever pays them. they'll choose their own gain over the good of the public. they'll make the internet look more like TV: THEY will choose what's on it, not the people. this is wrong. if they take over, I might not be able to post this blog if they don't like it. I'm sorry, but if I want to put a blog on the internet, I don't think I should have some big company not letting me just because I don't pay them. the internet should play a key role in freedom of expression. FIGHT FOR YOUR FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHTS.

think this isn't relevant to you? well consider this. think about all the things you use the internet for, and don't leave anything out. Myspace/Facebook? email? blogging? school research? YouTube? message boards? music sites? games? Google? (yeah, that's right. since Google is against these companies taking over the internet, it'll likely be one of the first to go.)
now imagine that Verizon or AT&T controls what's on the internet. your internet is filled with stupid ads, popups, and who knows what else. if the site you want pays them, it'll load fine. but if it doesn't? well, too bad for you. you can't use it.

now, wouldn't that be pretty annoying?

so who's fighting to save the internet? Amazon. Earthlink. eBay. Google. Intel. Microsoft. Facebook. Skype. Yahoo. Ask a Ninja. and millions of everyday people who all are in one thing together: the effort to save the internet.

^go there and click "what's net neutrality?" to find out more, and to sign the petition. click "spread the word" to find banners and stuff to put on your Myspace, blog, AIM, whatever.

I know a lot of people think the internet is crap, but it could be a LOT worse. we take for granted the freedom that the internet represents. and if the corporate world succeeds in this? well, who knows what's next? they could try to eliminate the constitution's first amendment altogether. help stop it.

I swear...

2008-06-24T21:32:00.004+03:00

if weid calls me "cali hottie" one more time, there will be painnnnn.

word of advice: do NOT put anything related to and/or associated with Caifornia in your screenname, particularly if you tend to end up in AIM chats with freakazoids who are obsessed with Super Smash Bros. Brawl and carpool lanes on the 101. (and Gwen Stefani.)(but let's not go there.)

trust me on this one.

Hinder!

2008-06-22T21:06:00.007+03:00

that concert was utterly AMAZING in every way.
seriously. theyre tied with MCS for the spot of favorite band I've seen live.
if you ever get a chance, GO SEE THEM!

setlist (update when I can fill in the blanks):

1. Whole Lotta Love
2. Homecoming Queen
3. [track from their upcoming album. didn't really catch the name. something "in the sun", I believe.]
4. Better Than Me
5. How Long
6. By the Way
7. Nothin' Good About Goodbye
8. Bliss (I Don't Wanna Know)
9. Heaven Sent You [track from their upcoming album]
10. Last Kiss Goodbye
11. Youth Gone Wild [Skid Row cover]
12. Room 21
13. ?
14. Lips of an Angel
15. Get Stoned

I was pretty surprised they didn't play Born to Be Wild.
hmmm. but yeah...incredible.
and there actually was someone waving a lighter back and forth. not a cell phone. a LIGHTER.
and a bunch of idiots were yelling "Free Bird!". (oh, the old days will never die.)
crazy drunk navy guys.
no joke, nearly all of them were drinking. alot.
except when the guy who intro'd them proposed a toast to Hinder, one guy held up a water bottle.
I like that guy.

oh, and sorry the pics suck. I was in the very back, and I had to crop a couple of them because of these two idiots that were like right in front of the cam the whole time. blahh.

oh yes. and sign up for this, pleeeeeaaaaase. trust me, it only takes like two minutes, and it's cool. and it helps me win stuff. :)

response to 2.1.08.

2008-06-21T17:27:00.003+03:00

I don't care that it happened.
I just don't want to see the evidence of it.
You say I'm your future.
well I'm not asking you to erase/deny your past.
I'm merely asking you to have some consideration for the fact that those that are your future can be hurt by the incessant presence of the unlikable elements of your past.
it hurts.
no matter how much you reassure me that it's all in the past, and the present/future are entirely another matter, it still hurts. the elements of the past taint it. marr it. cause one to think stupid things that aren't true.
if it needs to be changed and you can change it, change it.
small thing to do for the love of your life.

redefining antisociality.

2008-06-21T09:59:00.005+03:00

I can't hold a conversation.
So much pressure to conform. to be "interesting".
the best words are those I think no one will hear/read.
the ones directed at myself...or the darkness/emptiness.
what does it matter? is that even a question?
it's not a question of whether or not I want to be interesting and sociable.
it really isn't.
to be heard is one thing.
to be understood is another matter entirely.

before we fall asleep, just wanted to say.

2008-06-21T08:54:00.006+03:00

personal mantra for swim meets:

"Confidence can take you
when nerves try to shake you
from going all the way.
It's not that far..."

-Emery (from the song 'Fractions' off the album 'The Weak's End')

minus the color.

2008-06-21T06:12:00.006+03:00

test strategies...or lack thereof.

2008-06-21T01:33:00.001+03:00

"I fell asleep for about half my first whack at the ACT, which turns out to be a pretty crummy strategy. D: So don't do that."

-Axem Moonlight

Zoo Tycoon cheats that actually work.

2008-06-20T23:05:00.004+03:00

Poked around on the dead Zoo Tycoon forums on GT, and actually found a few useful things. I knew there was a reason I've been hanging around GT for 6 years.
(I also discovered that there's a forum for the game Putt Putt Saves the Zoo. You need not hear my thoughts on this.)
ANYWAY.
There are alot of cheats out there, and I sorted through them to find the ones that actually work. Here are the ones I have so far:

(NOTE: These are for the version with the expansion pack (Complete Collection). I'm pretty sure the dinosaur ones will work if you only have Dinosaur Digs, and the mermaid one if you only have Marine Mania. I haven't tried these on the original version without the expansions, so don't get hissy at me if they don't work.)

USEFUL CHEATS

To unlock the Unicorn: Rename an exhibit 'Xanadu' (exactly as it appears there, but without the quotes). Then check the list of animals, and the unicorn should be there. (NOTE: There's a cheat floating around out there that says to name a unicorn 'Rainbow' and it'll escape on a rainbow. Don't bother, cos it's bogus.)

To unlock the Deinonychus: Rename an exhibit 'Super Croc' (exactly as it appears there, but without the quotes). Then check the list of dinosaurs, and the deinonychus should be there.

To unlock the Triceratops: Rename an exhibit 'Cretaceous Corral'. Check the list of dinosaurs, and the triceratops should be there.

(NOTE: For the three cheats above, I've heard that your game will crash if you change the exhibit name to the one in the cheat when the exhibit name box first pops up. I don't know if it's true, but I wouldn't risk it.) (ANOTHER NOTE: If you change an exhibit's name from the one in the cheat, the animal you unlocked disappears from the list.)

To get a Mermaid: Go to the list of zoo scenery and find the mermaid statue. Place it in an exhibit tank with water, and it will turn into a real mermaid. (NOTE: It must be an AQUATIC exhibit, and there must actually be water in it.) (ANOTHER NOTE: Mermaids can get annoying, since they like to sing all the time.)

-Rename a guest 'Adam Levesque' and all of the animal care programs for Research & Conservation will be completed.
-Rename a guest 'Andrew Binder' and all of the animal houses you get from Research & Conservation will become available.
-Rename a guest 'Hank Howie' and all of the zoo staff research will be completed.
-Rename a guest 'John Wheeler' and all of the animal shelters you get from Research & Conservation will become available.
-Rename a guest 'Lou Catanzaro' and all of the animal toys you get from Research & Conservation will become available.
-Rename a guest 'Steve Serafino' and all endangered animals you get from Research & Conservation will become available.

POINTLESS BUT ENTERTAINING CHEATS

-Rename a guest 'Alfred H' and a bunch of crows and seagulls will appear to scare your guests. (These don't go away).
-Rename a guest 'Zeta Psi' and some peoples' shirts will turn yellow, and they puke.
-Rename a guest 'Russell C' and all of your fences will deteriorate.
-Rename a guest 'Mr. (Color)' (for example, 'Mr. Blue') and all the current buildings and guests' shirts will turn that color. (The only colors this works for are White, Blue, Pink, Orange, and Brown.)

I'm still working on sorting through all of them and looking for more, so I'll update this as I find more that work. If you have any that have worked for you, post them!

Moonshadow's history.

2008-06-20T14:42:00.002+03:00

Moonshadow has no idea who her parents were, for both of them died of unknown causes-most likely rabies-shortly after her dam gave birth to Moonshadow and her twin brother, Flaredancer. She hasn’t seen Flaredancer since, though she suspects he survived somehow, as she did. At two months she was shot by a human hunter and left with an ugly scar and a permanent limp in her left rear leg.
For nearly two years she ran from her birthplace, the land that reeked of sickness and death and had only caused her pain. She stayed in free, loner territories every few nights to rest and hunt small game, but, until she was two winters old, never dared to join any pack. It was then that she came upon a terra that would become the land of the Blood Moon Wolf Pack. She gained the confidence of the alphas, Sukaiyi and Marie, and became the Beta Fae of the pack. For several seasons she lived with her newfound pack, which was strong and more welcoming to Moonshadow than any would ever be.
She was happy at Blood Moon, where she experienced not only acceptance but also her first crush-the roughly handsome Beta Brute, Tyva. Sadly, though, their love wasn’t ever meant to be, and a year after the forming of the pack, it disbanded. Sukaiyi and Tyva, who were long-lost brothers brought back together purely by chance, both disappeared and the remaining pack members scattered, leaving Moonshadow, Marie, and half a dozen or so of Marie’s pups.
The disbanding of the pack that had been her source of happiness was a major blow to Moonshadow’s peace of mind, shattering what had replaced her darkness almost entirely. But still some light clung to her- she still had sweet, gentle Marie, who had become her best friend.
They wandered all that winter, until the came across the Black Snow Clan’s terra. Neither Moonshadow nor Marie, nor anyone else in the unorganized pack, ever received a rank- simply because no one stuck around long enough. The unofficial Alphena of the pack was a bitter-natured femme dubbed Asile.
Moonshadow had disliked Asile from the start, but she did meet a few wolven who were much friendlier. Kiche. Altair. Kamalie. And Saffiel. Her second crush. He had seemed reserved, from what she could see, and was especially so around the faes, this being because of his experience at Lovesick Lake, where, when the moonlight shines on the water, wolves can see the face of their future mate reflected on the surface. Saffiel had seen half of Asile’s face and half of Kiche’s.
Scared away from the lake herself by the possibilities of what she might see reflected there, Moonshadow had kept her distance from Saffiel, out of respect for him, but her love for him still remained.
Later, Asile disappeared, leaving Kiche in charge of the pack. Kiche’s rule was short- the pack disbanded completely shortly after she took over.
Somehow Marie was separated from Moonshadow, and Moonshadow was left once again entirely alone. Between losing Marie and bearing the burden of her still-remaining unrequited love for Saffiel, she was driven over the edge of what she could handle-and back into the darkness that still rules her to this day, heart and soul, body and mind.

enter Ldryn.

2008-06-20T14:33:00.001+03:00

There was, at first, an audible padding of paws, then came a long silence.
The fae’s auds pricked, and her steel-gray orbs flickered to peer in random directions, never focusing on any one for more than a mere second. These were the only movements she made, aside from the slight heaving of her chest. Her breaths came slowly and noiselessly, for they had no reason to make any sound or come quickly. She was in no way alarmed, nor anxious, even as she haunched in this near-statuelike pose. For what had she to be afraid of? This femme was as close to fearless as she needed to be, and bothered not to hide it.
She inclined her maw a few degrees, though it did little good for even her keen nose. The extreme winter chill nipped at it and hindered all but the scents originating near her from entering it. She exhaled deeply, only once, almost in a huff, and condensed water vapor appeared in a small cloud around her nose, then quickly disappeared.
She then moved once more, to continue, and the sound of her mitts kissing the snow-blanketed ground, albeit softly, could be detected once again.
This fae was three winters old, and was by wolf tradition both too old and too young to be in search of a new pack, but what did tradition mean to her? Nothing. This was not the first time she had defied tradition. Although she would not allow herself to think about the first time, there was no denying that it happened.
She was built on the smaller side, but was by no means weak. Her pillars were an off-white hue, upwardly turning to tan and darkening to gray-flecked ebony on her back. She bore steely optics and soft facial features, and her bushy tassel she wore jauntily. She was beautiful enough, and gentle by her own nature but hardened somewhat by others’.
She bore the dubbance Ldryn-Aelia Scynn-Foel, proud former beta heir, and firstborn of her 5-strong litter, 3 of whom were now dead. This was a rather ominous and unpleasant fact to have attatched to her little resume, but it was still true, regardless. It was a part of her identity. She had loved her siblings to death, literally, and had defied wolf tradition, with full knowledge, trying to protect them. She had many characteristic attributes of a great leader, but she had decided she would never be one, nor would she ever accept the position of beta. Gamma or delta would be acceptable, though she hoped never to rank as low as epsilon or zeta. She wanted only to be decently ranked and never again be involved in any sort of feud relating directly or indirectly to leadership. Was that so much to ask? No, she decided. It wasn’t.
Without warning, Ldryn halted abruptly, as though she’d come upon some sort of invisible wall (though she herself knew nothing of actual walls).
It was a border. Finally.
She waited.

Inspiration (image) (April '07)

2008-06-20T14:32:00.002+03:00

It catches us daydreaming
Stirs us from our sleep
Like a whisper in dead silence

Far More Beautiful Than Ugly Myths (image) (April '07)

2008-06-20T14:30:00.001+03:00

Whirlwinds dance up from fleeting paws
A lone ebony flash against the vast plain of white
A mystery in those multicolored orbs

and there she was.

2008-06-20T14:22:00.001+03:00

I stepped out of my room, licking a spoon,
and there she was.
Imagine my surprise.
I think she was asleep.
I don't know.
I guess she spent the night here.
I'm glad I slept for 12 hours.
I wouldn't have wanted to be awake and hear what they were doing.

I shouldn't have to be afraid even in the "comfort" of my second home.
I belong here.
She doesn't.

fear makes you fragile.

2008-06-20T14:12:00.001+03:00

Is it a personal fear?
a learned fear?
is there a difference?

should what the world fears have an effect on what you fear?

what is the origin of personal fear?
the cause of learned fear?

can that which is learned be justified?

Left Behind (freeverse) (April '07)

2008-06-20T14:06:00.001+03:00

I know that someday I’ll get out of this world
That’s good, because who can stand it here?
I’m like a wolf who alone survived a killer
like a disease or a famine
and is left behind in their homeland
Not really knowing what to do
I set off alone, afraid, unaware
of what the future holds
or even of where I’ll be this time next year
Dead or alive, all the same to nature
It really does scare me
not knowing what I’ll come across
I come to a land where they might accept me
and then as soon as I’m accepted,
everything falls apart and I’m alone again
I gazed at my reflection in the water
at full moon at Lovesick Lake
I saw sadness and hurt haunting my eyes
Those eyes that had seen so much
and I was still so young…
What would become of me?
And so I ran
Not knowing what lay ahead
Even when I was accepted again
I was assigned the loneliest task
Part yet separate,
the most horrible type of outcast
My heart was torn and bleeding,
my compassion run entirely dry
So what could I do besides run?
Run.
I still run
My best friend disappeared,
my one true love vanished into his past
I rely on no one but myself
You would too, if you were like me.
But I don’t think you can understand
That’s okay
I’m used to it
So goodbye, stranger
We’ll never meet again
But I’ll remember you.

poem I wrote for history in 8th gr. during the Holocaust unit

2008-06-20T14:01:00.002+03:00

Things a Jewish Girl Says

I don’t know why they hate me so much.

I’m only a Jew, is that so wrong?
I didn’t know that Christians were better than me.

I cried when they burned the synagogue,
I cried when they arrested the rabbi,
And I cried when my daddy’s shop was vandalized.

But most of all, I cried when the soldiers came to take us away.
I was told to “Stop crying, you stupid girl!”
I was so scared that I’d never see my parents again.
I’ll never forget how it felt to be so scared.

I wish I could turn back time and run away.
I miss my old life so much.
I’ve never been so depressed in my life.

They took away my family, my clothes, my hair
And they made me suffer so much that I wanted to die.

All because they hate me so much.

now this angry little girl, drowning in this petty world...

2008-06-20T13:49:00.000+03:00

my life's only a myst'ry as long as you let it be,
as the questions die in your throat.
can't help but think there'll never be
any curiosity,
as I sit here all alone.
thinkin to myself they'll never listen,
so why should I say things that they won't hear?
all the time spent just listening to them talk about things that don't really matter to me,
was that all just a waste and were they really grateful,
I'm sorry that you don't know what's truly important.
sorry if I'm not like you,
sorry if I don't say what you wanna hear.
you don't know who i am,
you've never listened,
why, why, why do i still talk?
is it really the volume or is it your fault?
i don't understand.
i'm sorry you don't get it.
i'm sorry I don't say what you want to hear.

Ocean Tide (extended metaphor) (July '07)

2008-06-20T13:38:00.001+03:00

Coming and going,
rising and falling,
sometimes crashing,
sometimes wrecking your sand castle.
Sometimes enormous,
sometimes tiny,
always unpredictable.
Occasionally a tsunami
coming to wreck and damage,
to leave everything soaked,
and hope is abandoned
just like the land.
You rebuild, hoping it won't strike again,
but the ocean does what it pleases,
and you have no control.
It trickles away, but you know it'll be back.
Maybe able to surf it,
or maybe you'll just swim,
or maybe you'll get bitten by a shark.
And all the while, through everything, it seems
that all the beachgoers are oblivious
to what you face in the water.
You're all alone, fighting the waves,
and they dare not even get their feet wet...

sing.

2008-06-20T13:13:00.000+03:00

"Sing
with your head up,
with your eyes closed.
Not because you love the song.
Because you love to sing.
Because you love to sing..."

-Copeland
(from the song 'You Love to Sing' off the album 'In Motion')

'King of Wishful Thinking' by Go West

2008-06-20T12:48:00.001+03:00

I don't need to fall at your feet
just 'cause you cut me to the bone.
And I won't miss the way that you kiss me.
We were never carved in stone.
If I don't listen to the talk of the town
then maybe I can fool myself.

>chorus<
>I'll get over you, I know I will.
I'll pretend my ship's not sinking.
And I'll tell myself
I'm over you.
'Cause I'm the king of wishful thinking.
(King of wishful thinking.)<

I am the king of wishful thinking.

I refuse to give in to my blues.
That's not how it's gonna be.
And I deny the tears in my eyes.
I don't want to let you see (no)
that you have made a hole in my heart,
and now I've got to fool myself.

>chorus<
>chorus<

(Yeah.)

Oh, no, I'll never ever let shed a tear for you.
I'll get over you, I know I will.

If I don't listen to the talk of the town then maybe I can fool myself.

>chorus<

I'm the king of wishful thinking.

I'll get over you, I know I will.
You made a hole in my heart.
But I won't shed a tear for you.
I'll be the king of wishful thinking.

I'll get over you, I know I will.
I'll pretend my heart's still beating.
'Cause I've got no more tears for you
and the king of wishful thinking.

I'll get over you, I know I will.
You made a hole in my heart,
and I'll tell myself
I'm over you.
'Cause I'm the king of wishful thinking.
(I'll get over you...)

Scarred Perfection (old)

2008-06-20T12:43:00.001+03:00

They only like me because they don't know who I really am. If I were to kill myself, they would mourn for the person I pretended to be, not for who I really was. The fake version of me would live on after my death, while my true self would forever rest six feet under, interred with rotting flesh and bones. They would talk about how shy and quiet I was. The teachers would miss the smart, trustworthy student that never once dared to backtalk or ever disrupt class. They would all be shocked that such a quiet, goody-goody, happy-go-lucky girl would ever do anything like kill herself. Would they accept it? Who would they blame? Could they ever possibly come to terms with the fact that all the warnings were right in front of them all along? Would they ever feel any guilt? Would they ever realize that they could've prevented it?
Would it even truly matter to them?

he knows his way around music. in many ways.

2008-06-20T12:33:00.001+03:00

"It's so disconcerting to see someone who's supposed to be considered an artist lip-synch a routine in a bikini. That's not music. I don't know what the fuck that is."

-Dave Grohl

my dad's new "girlfriend".

2008-06-19T16:57:00.001+03:00

So, her name's Ethel. She's Filipino.
They met at a bar in January.
As far as I know, they've been sleeping together. (Yes, I'm kinda nosy. Otherwise I wouldn't know this.)
I don't want to meet her.
So I'm trapped in my room.
I should've gotten that other Coke while I had the chance.
Dammit.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I guess I'm just kinda pissed off that he'd do something like this without telling me before I got here.
It seems like she's ok. Based on what knowledge I have of her. She's good at that claw game, and she bought me this big soft pink teddy bear, and she spelled my name right.
But still.
Ugh.
I will not cry. I will not cry.
Forget Matt.
He's no help at all.

'Sleepless Nights Alone' by Still Remains (from 'The Serpent')

2008-06-19T11:13:00.002+03:00

At the end of all the earth
I found you here alone
at the forefront of my heart.
And the butterflies
that tried to bring you life
have died and gone away.

>chorus<
>Oh, we are
apart and I am lost. So while
she sleeps,
she dreams,
we spend another sleepless night alone.<

You're so flirtatious with loneliness.
And time just lingers on.
We'll never become one.
Forget me, love.
I've tried to bring you home.
But I've died and gone away.

>chorus<

Even if,
even if forever never comes.
You're the only, you're the only,
only one who makes me come undone.
We are
apart and I am lost so while
she sleeps,
she dreams.
We spend another sleepless night alone.

(Ah-h, ah-h-h.)

>chorus<

'Stranger' by Thousand Foot Krutch (from 'The Art of Breaking')

2008-06-19T10:57:00.003+03:00

It's just the state of affection
just need something to cure the infection.
I don't want to be your misconception,
no, no, don't want to break the connection.
It's just the pent-up agression
that drives me into this direction.
If I had to ask just one question,
"Oh, no, how come they don't listen?"

>chorus<
>I don't want to slip,
I don't want to fall,
I don't want to care or be here at all.
I don't want to crash,
I don't want to burn,
I don't want to forget
I'm a stranger
that no one can see,
a stranger
to every part of me.
I'm a stranger
to all that I know,
a stranger
everywhere I go.<

Sometimes I don't hate but I want to,
blinded by the reason I found you.
It's just a feeling I get when I'm around you,
oh, oh, can you relate to what I'm going through?
How much farther will I get?
Man, I feel like such a moving target.
How many times will I slip before I find it?
Until then I guess I'll just keep climbing.

>chorus<

It's so hard
when you're a loser.
Heaven help
us find our way.
And it's so hard,
'cause I'm a loser.
Heaven help
me feel okay.

>chorus<

I'm a stranger
to all that I know,
a stranger
everywhere I go.

Once Again (old)

2008-06-19T10:48:00.001+03:00

Once again, I've been oh-so-harshly reminded that trust is a big mistake. No matter who, no matter what...the betrayal will inevitably come. Finally laid my paranoia to rest, then was cruelly haunted by it. What difference does it make that the circumstances are always different? It just happens again and again and again. It'll never stop. And they wonder why I'm so reluctant to trust, to lay a precious secret in the hands of someone who could destroy it so easily. I have a perfectly legit reason. And maybe one of these days I'll learn to just stop altogether.

This Useless Voice (old)

2008-06-19T10:00:00.002+03:00

I want to speak, but no words come out. Somehow they're lost, lost between my mind and my mouth. There's always so much I wish I could say, but I never know how. The words my mind screams echo inside me, and the way others perceive me is skewed and inaccurate. I'm seen as shy, quiet, sweet. If only they could hear what all the silence screams at them. Then comes the assumption that the few words I do manage to say mean nothing, and they don't listen. They say I need to talk more, and talk louder, but even if I could, I'm not sure I'd want to. For why bother talking when there's no one listening? The words scratched across the page are the only chance I have to make them understand. The writing is the only way I can express the thoughts and emotions running rampant inside my heart and mind. It's the only thing that never fails to pull me through it all, my one true and unchanging passion, the one thing I can think of and be filled with reassurance that I really do have a purpose here after all. It's the one thing in this fucked up world that I can always count on.